Family Gatherings
Many folks I’ve been talking to in these last few weeks of 2023 are anticipating getting together with extended family. And a consistent theme has been “How do I deal with comments from family members about my body / weight / food choices?” There are some excellent resources out there, including a recent post from the amazing weight inclusive dietician and diabetes specialist, Erin Phillips, MPH, RD, CDCES.
And, I know a lot of parents are asking, “How do I deal with comments about my child’s body / weight / food choices?”
In the moment, we’re likely going to have a reaction to the comment and we want to respond. But we’ll only be able to make a decision about our response if we’re in our window of tolerance — where our nervous system isn’t too activated.
If you feel yourself start to panic, flush, feel angry, get queasy, heart starts beating faster, breaths get more shallow, brain fog appears, you’re at a loss for words, go numb or feel disconnected, your body might be reacting to a perceived sense of danger.
Before we can respond,
we need to regulate.
Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and splash some water on your face, do some box breathing, or text a friend to vent for a moment.
Excuse yourself to get a glass of water and count how many blue items you see along the way or find one item for each color of the rainbow.
Make a quick note of one thing you see, a sound, how it feels to stand or sit where you are, and a smell or taste.
If it doesn’t feel like you can regulate or the environment isn’t a safe one for you, there’s no need to respond. You can change the subject and choose to return to the comment later or not.
Short and to the point
If you’re up for it and are (more) regulated, reach for the sentence you have “in your back pocket”. One you’ve picked ahead of time and have practiced saying outloud. Craft your own or pick one of these:
I’m teaching my kiddo that
every body is different and good.
or
We don’t comment on other people’s bodies or food choices.
or
I trust my child to listen to their body.
If that’s all you’ve got the bandwidth for, go ahead and change the subject or move to a different area.
You might be wondering if you should say something to your child. Obviously, each kiddo is different and you know the best way forward. Depending on age and maturity, you might talk to your child ahead of time, in the moment, or afterward…
Even though we know that every body is different and unique and all bodies are good, sometimes when families get together, adults end up talking about bodies and food in a way that we know isn’t helpful.
You remember how we’ve talked about anti-fat bias (remember, that’s the wrong idea that smaller bodies are better than bigger bodies that some people believe)? This is something Grandma and Grandpa still believe, because they’ve been taught that, not because they don’t love you.
Kiddo, you know I trust you to know when you’re hungry and full. You can keep eating / stop / etc.
Young Latino boy smiles wearing a beige sweater in front of a decorated Christmas tree.
You can follow up with “Let me know if you have any questions about anything you hear. We can always talk about it.” Know that very young children might ask a question seemingly out of the blue at some time in the future—disconcerting, but developmentally normal!
What’s the point?
I’m going to encourage you to think about this ahead of time. And, your goals or reasons may vary based on the day, kiddo’s size and age, your relationships, and where others are at in their journey to unlearn fat phobia. Some reasons to say something:
to be explicit about your support for your child
to support your inner child
to support other fat folks—young or old—in the family
to protect against eating disorders
Know what your goal is in choosing to respond.
Optional elaborations
You can offer more if your family member asks or seems open and engaged. Maybe you share about
the increased risk for kids to develop eating disorders if they engage in dieting behaviors.
your own experience with learning about Health at Every Size® or making peace with your own body.
the risks of weight cycling or yo-yo dieting and the impacts of weight stigma.
Virginia Sole-Smith’s Fat Talk is a great book that’s felt accessible to many folks who are just beginning to think about diet culture and weight stigma, to name one resource you might share.
And you don’t have to feel like the middle of a family gathering is the time to have a lengthy conversation if it’s not going to serve you or meet your goal (see What’s the Point? above).
“Regulate, respond with your go-to sentence, move on and follow up with your kiddo later if needed. ”
Who supports you?
Have a straight-sized ally in the family who’ll be there at the family gathering? Enlist their help in making some of these statements or setting boundaries.
Have an ally who will be available while you’re at the gathering? Share your plan with them ahead of time so they can help remind you if you reach out to them.
If you’re a fat adult and your window of tolerance has narrowed because of recent stress, illness, trauma, world events…it’s ok to take care of yourself first (regulate!) and talk to your child later. You are not weak or a bad parent. <3
